Our Hell

~How To Alienate Yourself :: Talk About Babies
July 28, 2008, 12:08 am
Filed under: How To Alienate Yourself

Ways to accomplish this:

1. You are a new mother. Talk to your fellow lady friends (all unwed and kid-free) and discuss in great detail every aspect of your baby’s development.  Don’t forget to gush endlessly about how different and how womanly you feel.  Conversely, don’t forget to mention how worthless and lifeless and you feel now that another being is sucking vitamins out of your mammaries.

2. You are a new father.  Discuss anything with your guy friends other than how gross it was to see that come out of there.

3.  You are an unpartnered male or female.  The experience is different here based on your sex.  If female, you will look like a baby-starved man-eater.  If male, the authorities will be at your door in the morning.


~How To Alienate Yourself :: Word Usage at Work
June 21, 2008, 12:47 pm
Filed under: How To Alienate Yourself | Tags: , ,

“After ample consideration of the upward thrust we have just ridden, I think it would be inscrutable to take this company in a new and exciting direction.  Inter-managerial relations are in the midst of an orgiastic flurry of reinvention and reassessment. We need to have all of our aces in the hole and all of our best men on the job. It’s time to solidify the investors’ desires and get anal about our technical development.  We fixed up that axe wound from our last bust well, we just need to remember to cover our assets.  The back-end approach we’ve been taking could be revamped and overhauled.  We will be moving bilaterally, and urging all of you to hang on.  It may be hard at first but if we all get our hands a little dirty and put our nose to the grindstone, I believe we can have at ‘er and see this through to the climax.  After all, we don’t want to have egg on our face.  We want to come out smiling.  

Randy, I believe you wanted to give your oral presentation next?”


~How To Alienate Yourself :: Environmentalism
June 3, 2008, 11:46 pm
Filed under: How To Alienate Yourself | Tags: , ,

Environmentalism is the new spirituality.

Compare and contrast:

“I’m not a religious person.  I’m a spiritual person.”

“I’m not a hippie.  I’m an environmentalist.”


Spirituality is the phenomenon whereby people profess to believe in a higher power, which can be connected with through any means possible.  Methods may include meditation, chanting, fasting or feeding off of crystal energy.

Environmentalism is the phenomenon whereby people profess to believe in the positive change one person can make on the harmful impact of our species on our natural surroundings.  Change can occur through recycling, composting, commuting and eating vegetables grown only on their apartment windowsills.

In both situations, disdain may be felt for people not currently in the same mindset.  Spiritualists may scoff at Catholics, claiming that their concept of Hell is a doctrine of fear.  Environmentalists may scoff at those who drive impractical vehicles, claiming that their concept of Western living is bringing about Hell on earth.

Practical Use:

Claim to be either one with great enthusiasm.  Extra points go to those who claim to be both.  Grand prize goes to those who claim to be both and evidence hypocrisy easily.

~How to Alienate Yourself :: Movies That Changed Your Life
May 30, 2008, 12:27 am
Filed under: How To Alienate Yourself | Tags: ,

Listening to people explain how a movie has changed them is generally painful and uninteresting.

If this situation should happen to you, interject some of your own thoughts and begin to divulge how your world view has been shaped by a few movies and emphasize greatly how much everyone should see these works.

Suggestions for Movies to Ponder

  • Wikipedia List of Films Considered the Worst ()
  • IMDB Bottom 100 ()
  • Rotten Tomatoes Worst of the Worst ()
“I think perhaps The Waterboy is perfectly analogous to the way in which I was able to overcome anger issues and learn to resolve problems in a humane manner.  I learned much of my dear respect for women from seeing Pretty Woman when I was twelve.  Julia Robert’s character just opened my eyes to the true strength of a woman’s inner being.  And I don’t know where I’d be today without the strong social message of Porky’s II.”