Our Hell


~Today is the Day :: I Learn Something I Should Have Learned Long Ago
September 1, 2008, 9:46 pm
Filed under: Today is the Day | Tags: , ,

“Just imagine how disappointed you’d be after crafting a killer headline for your post, only to lose readers with an opening that failed to carry the momentum. A great headline mixed with a lame opening is like inviting someone into your house, only to slam the door in their face as they approach.” – “5 Simple Ways to Open Your Blog Post With a Bang

I found this advice post amongst other research I was doing.  Let’s see if I can handle this task.  All I have to do is follow these five easy steps and every single one of you will love the rest of the crap I feed you afterward.

1. Ask a Question

Have you ever eaten so much food that you just wish you hadn’t eaten so much food?  Like, you’re willing to  shave a year off your life just to spontaneously find a time machine in your purse that will take you back ten minutes ago so you can tell yourself that you really don’t need that nineteenth piece of avocado maki?  Have you ever regretted ever feeling that way half an hour later when you are now starving and would sucker punch the next passerby just to have that desert you couldn’t quite finish?  Think about that.

2. Share an Anecdote or Quote

One time, in junior high, I stole a book from the library.  My class was sitting in the tiny room, watching a presentation and the hardcover copy of “Anthology of Twentieth Century Poets” was just too tempting.  G. K. Chesterton once said, in The Man Who Was Thursday, “Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.”  Amen, brother Chesterton.

3. Invoke the Mind’s Eye

Imagine that you are deep in a South American jungle.  The lush green undergrowth tugs at your clothing as you pass briskly by.  Your lungs take in the overpowering scent of the surroundings in full bloom.  You can hear the distant screech of an animal, high up in the canopy above you.  Suddenly, a scantily clad vixen emerges from a low-lying  shrub, waving her arms excitedly.  Her speech is unintelligible and her face is flushed with exertion.

Do you …

grab her by the arm and run with her into the darkening foliage? Turn to page 14.

try to learn and then teach sign language in order to communicate?  Turn to page 34.

get hit in the back of the neck with a tranquilizing blowdart?  That wench was only an enticing distraction.  Turn to page 19.

4. Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile

Sitting around your house on a Friday night is like having no friends.

Sitting around your house every night is like having a social phobia.

5. Cite a Shocking Statistic

One hundred percent of people will die!!  One hundred percent of people have no idea exactly when.  Zero percent of people are immortal.

And with that, I get to the real purpose of this post.

Pictures of emo kids!

Haha look at those guys.  They don’t have their life figured out at all.

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