Our Hell


~On This Day in Old Timey Days ::
February 3, 2009, 12:31 pm
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:: February 3. 1917::

The United States broke off diplomatic relations with Germany due to the Germans’ announced policy of unrestricted submarine warfare.

usvgerman

You know what?  Good.  That was a good idea.  I’ve broken off diplomatic relations with the German company that laid me off, too.  “Closing the North American office”, you say?  I am resurrecting Captain America and he is coming over there to wrap great bratwurstian links around your incompetent and unorganized little necks.  Your business model is fallible!



~ Today Is The Day :: I Am Inundated By Men Wearing Blazers and Jeans
October 9, 2008, 9:14 am
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So, I’ve been here in Germany since Monday.  I am at Popkomm in Berlin, representing the company I work for, ArtistXite.

 

Things that I have noticed:

  • Planes are awesome.  Take-off is the most fun thing I have done that I didn’t have to pay for and that involved me being fully clothed.

 

 

Hamburg

  • Hamburg seems to be one of the most beautiful places ever.
  • All of the garbage cans have funny sayings on them.
  • I didn’t know that Hamburg is full of canals and bridges.
  •  I have never seen such expensive clothing.
  • Vegan food is near impossible to find.
  • I don’t know if it was because of the person driving or not but I didn’t think that there would be so much slowing down on the Autobahn.
  • There are very few coniferous trees in between Hamburg and Berlin.
  • There is so much greenery everywhere.
  •  

Berlin

  • Berlin is fucking huge.
  • Popkomm is in West Berlin, our hotel is in East Berlin.  There have been many long but interesting drives.
  • There are sooooo many Thai/Chinese restaurants in Berlin.
  • It is very strange to drive down the streets that Hitler used to hold parades.
  • It is very difficult to take pictures out of a moving car and I have not been able to get out and explore.
  • Consequently, I have not been able to shop.  By the time we get back to the hotel, it is dark and everything but booze stores and drug stores is closed.
  • Tea tree oil is ridiculously cheap here.
  • Many women wear skirts/dresses over pants.  I thought it was just a Halifax thing.
  • Men here love scarves.  I should find it pretentious but I just find it hot.
  • Why are things so expensive?
  • Being here has cemented in my mind that I need to get a haircut.
  • Germans do not want you to call home.  I have been looking since I got here and cannot find anywhere to buy a physical phone card.
  • Showers are awesome, toilets are weird and unsettling.
  • This building looks like an alien mother ship.
  • People don’t care what you dress like here.  No one looks twice at the dude with all of his hair shaved off except for two small dyed-red horns or the woman wearing less clothing than the sluttiest girl at the skankiest bar you can think of.
  • There are so many boots over jeans here.  My ex laughed at me when I did it.  Now I can tell him that I was meant to be European.
  • I don’t feel weird here at all.  Everything feels normal and natural.  Even my love of wearing nothing but black feels comfortable for once and at least 40% of chicks here agree with my mentality.  
  • My boss makes me hang out with him all day.  I need to take a vacation when I get back just to have some alone time. 
  • The best ginger tea is here in Berlin
PopKomm
  • Judging by the booths, France loves its musicians most and Canadians love theirs least.
  • If you give away free beer, everyone loves whatever you’re offering.


~Today Is The Day :: I Head to Germany
October 5, 2008, 3:47 pm
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It’s true, I’m on my way out.  See you around, Canada.  I’ll be back in a week and I’ll be full of whatever the vegan equivalent to bratwurst is.



~Today is the Day :: I Learn Something I Should Have Learned Long Ago
September 1, 2008, 9:46 pm
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“Just imagine how disappointed you’d be after crafting a killer headline for your post, only to lose readers with an opening that failed to carry the momentum. A great headline mixed with a lame opening is like inviting someone into your house, only to slam the door in their face as they approach.” – “5 Simple Ways to Open Your Blog Post With a Bang

I found this advice post amongst other research I was doing.  Let’s see if I can handle this task.  All I have to do is follow these five easy steps and every single one of you will love the rest of the crap I feed you afterward.

1. Ask a Question

Have you ever eaten so much food that you just wish you hadn’t eaten so much food?  Like, you’re willing to  shave a year off your life just to spontaneously find a time machine in your purse that will take you back ten minutes ago so you can tell yourself that you really don’t need that nineteenth piece of avocado maki?  Have you ever regretted ever feeling that way half an hour later when you are now starving and would sucker punch the next passerby just to have that desert you couldn’t quite finish?  Think about that.

2. Share an Anecdote or Quote

One time, in junior high, I stole a book from the library.  My class was sitting in the tiny room, watching a presentation and the hardcover copy of “Anthology of Twentieth Century Poets” was just too tempting.  G. K. Chesterton once said, in The Man Who Was Thursday, “Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.”  Amen, brother Chesterton.

3. Invoke the Mind’s Eye

Imagine that you are deep in a South American jungle.  The lush green undergrowth tugs at your clothing as you pass briskly by.  Your lungs take in the overpowering scent of the surroundings in full bloom.  You can hear the distant screech of an animal, high up in the canopy above you.  Suddenly, a scantily clad vixen emerges from a low-lying  shrub, waving her arms excitedly.  Her speech is unintelligible and her face is flushed with exertion.

Do you …

grab her by the arm and run with her into the darkening foliage? Turn to page 14.

try to learn and then teach sign language in order to communicate?  Turn to page 34.

get hit in the back of the neck with a tranquilizing blowdart?  That wench was only an enticing distraction.  Turn to page 19.

4. Use an Analogy, Metaphor or Simile

Sitting around your house on a Friday night is like having no friends.

Sitting around your house every night is like having a social phobia.

5. Cite a Shocking Statistic

One hundred percent of people will die!!  One hundred percent of people have no idea exactly when.  Zero percent of people are immortal.

And with that, I get to the real purpose of this post.

Pictures of emo kids!

Haha look at those guys.  They don’t have their life figured out at all.



~ Today is the Day :: I Wasted A Day or More (And Didn’t Even Finish This Post)
August 29, 2008, 6:51 pm
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::: Or, How I Spent My Summer Vacation

::: (Or, How I’ve Spent the Better Part of My Early Adulthood)

Every self-respecting internet addict thinks and/or writes about the ease with which a simple search for a simple thing turns into six hours of wikipedia, youtube, and possibly hgtv.com.  Despite that it has been done before, despite my inability to profess my addiction as real and despite my general lack of self-respect, I present the readers with another journey through the gooey labyrinth of the human mind when met with the labyrinth of the endless internet.

The day started out with a quick search for “cute kitties sleeping” on youtube, to send to my sad friend.  I encountered this

and laughed as only a girl who loves kitties can.  I watched it approximately three times.

Related videos eventually brought me to panda bears.

From there, I started to think about how biologists in China are working on reviving the Giant Panda population and then remembered that sometimes Panda mothers give birth to twins but abandon one in order to devote their time to the other. I wondered how caretakers were faring with raising the abandoned twin and thought of how the orphaned cub would develop, separated from its mother and raised by well-meaning humans.

I also thought of Molly Lambert’s love of Pandas and visited her tumblr to review some of the cute baby Panda pictures that she is wont to post.

From there, sloth bears.

Sloth bears are normally seen as docile but can be the most unpredictable of all bears in terms of attacks on humans when encountered.  They are also the most used in India as dancing bears, reduced to performing grotesque acts of dance in parody of popular Bollywood style.  They are subdued with viscous metal hooks in their tender nose.  Many rescue organizations exist to create a sanctuary for these animals but none can wholly re-indoctrinate the message that animals are not ours as property, and not ours to control.

Next, I decided to work on my upcoming post for This Recording.  I had intended to write about all of the different interpretations of mind over matter: physic healing, telekinesis, maybe even some talk about Dr. Emoto’s water crystals.  Halfway through the research I decided that what I was finding was much more entertaining.  Nothing that I researched made it into the post.

Mind over matter brought thoughtography.  It is the process by which psychics conjure images and then photograph them.  It has long been discredited but the allure nevertheless remains.

Every time I search for more than an hour, Tesla comes up.

This post was originally going to be intended for This Recording but it just didn’t come together.  That site needs gold, or at least an A for Effort on my part.  My own site gets the dregs. I just didn’t want all of this typing to go to waste.

Because I stopped at this point, I don’t accurately remember what the rest of the day involved.  Rest assured that there was likely some Tom Waits, some Star Trek and likely lots of laughing.



~ Today is the Day :: It’s Been Raining Here Non-Stop
August 14, 2008, 7:06 pm
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I am a lady who can enjoy the gentle falling sound of rain.  The plops and splashes against my window lull me into a sleepy daze.  I enjoy the surprise of raindrops on my face after an afternoon of scorching sun and boiling humidity.  I like the feeling of walking through massive puddles in torrential downpours and not caring about my feet because a) I’m wearing rubber boots or b) my feet are so wet that there is no time that I remember my feet ever being dry.

I guess what I’m trying to say is … It’s been over a month now.  We get it.

People love to complain about the weather and everyone knows I love to complain about everything but that doesn’t mean this isn’t valid.

I am going to pull out the anti-rain dance.  It might look like this:

Or possibly:



~How To Alienate Yourself :: Talk About Babies
July 28, 2008, 12:08 am
Filed under: How To Alienate Yourself

Ways to accomplish this:

1. You are a new mother. Talk to your fellow lady friends (all unwed and kid-free) and discuss in great detail every aspect of your baby’s development.  Don’t forget to gush endlessly about how different and how womanly you feel.  Conversely, don’t forget to mention how worthless and lifeless and you feel now that another being is sucking vitamins out of your mammaries.

2. You are a new father.  Discuss anything with your guy friends other than how gross it was to see that come out of there.

3.  You are an unpartnered male or female.  The experience is different here based on your sex.  If female, you will look like a baby-starved man-eater.  If male, the authorities will be at your door in the morning.